My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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