went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
