I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
