I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
