You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
