This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
