i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
