Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We're too hungover to prance.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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