I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
