I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
