We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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