a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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