Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
