Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
