can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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