I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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