He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
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I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
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You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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