Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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