Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
