I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
