Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
