I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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