my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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