your parents love me but you hate me
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
