Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
