Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
