I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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