the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
