Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
