i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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