There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
