i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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