life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
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