You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
