Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
