I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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