Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
