You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
