So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
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Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
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We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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