i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
