I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
