Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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