just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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