Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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