The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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