The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
