I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We just shotgunned beers for America
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
