Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
