sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
