I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
