I think my fart just growled at me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
