I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
