i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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