Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
