Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
