Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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