Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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