I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
