So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
