I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
