i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
