I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
