ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
