literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize