i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i now understand why vodka
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
