Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
