last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
