He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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