I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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