I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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